dog's breakfast

This weekend is 'just me and the dog'. 'Mommy' is away for some rest and recuperation. It is, of course, an opportunity for me and my dog (who hates me) to do some bonding. Meanwhile this blog is looking more and more like the random piles of cat vomit that pretty kitty leaves around the apartment on a daily basis. She is not doing well. Several months ago we spent a ton of money to bring her back from the brink and we discovered that she has an undersized heart and bad kidneys. But back to the dog and this post -- To explain the post title, 'dog's breakfast' means 'a mess'. I think I am the only person besides a boss of mine from ten years ago who know this, or care. But if you thought I was going to literally write about what my dog ate and did not pick up yet another one of my self-effacing swipes at this blog, don't be disappointed. Here comes the dog bowl:

This morning I added a new odor to my brain’s olfactory logbook: microwaved chunks of Dick Van Patten's Natural Balance Lamb Formula Dog Food or 'sausage' as my wife and I call it. Why would I put chunks of dog food in my microwave? To be honest, if I stopped and thought about the possibility of stinking up my kitchen and the microwave, I probably wouldn't have done it. Alas, "hindsight is 20/20" and noses work better backwards too (huh?). Anyway, I nuked the little brown chunks because my dog (who hates me and dried-up chunks of expensive dog-food sausage) has become a finicky eater lately. I thought she might like it warmed up and moist. Plus, this stuff is expensive. Did I say that already?

Anyway, it turns out she does like it warmed up and moist!

Oh, but that smell! It smells like burning horse manure on a freshly salted, slushy city street. I got my dog to eat but I stink-bombed my microwave. Ah yes, we have arrived at that delicious moment of having overcome one daunting obstacle only to be confronted by another (the seed of a theme for this mess, this dog's breakfast masquerading as a blog, peeks it's tiny head out yet again -just keep pushing that rock up that hill whatever your name is).

But back to the task of bonding with my dog (who hates me)…

I made a big pot of coffee, which I have been going back to throughout the afternoon. I've been heating my coffee in the microwave because the coffee maker just warms it to a gross lukewarm temperature. Would you like to know what black coffee is like when you smell the slight odor of lamb-flavored dog food as you bring it to your lips? Actually, it's tolerable. I'm getting used to it. Still, I'm going to have to get a second microwave to be used just for dog food if this new warmed-up sausage thing lasts (you think I'm kidding, don't you?).

Does drinking dog-food flavored coffee constitute bonding with your pet? If you ask me, yes, but then I'm grabbing at straws here people; my dog hates me. But at least she’s eating.

And now my coffee is cold again.

Update 2/25/2006 5:01 PM: Yes, *that* Dick Van Patten who was in Spaceballs and nearly every TV show ever made I think.

[King Roland has given in to Dark Helmet's threats, and is telling him the combination to the "air shield"]
Roland: One.
Dark Helmet: One.
Colonel Sandurz: One.
Roland: Two.
Dark Helmet: Two.
Colonel Sandurz: Two.
Roland: Three.
Dark Helmet: Three.
Colonel Sandurz: Three.
Roland: Four.
Dark Helmet: Four.
Colonel Sandurz: Four.
Roland: Five.
Dark Helmet: Five.
Colonel Sandurz: Five.
Dark Helmet: So the combination is one, two, three, four, five? That's the stupidest combination I've ever heard in my life! The kind of thing an idiot would have on his luggage!

Update 3/1/2006 1:55 PM AM: This post was typo-riffic. Was...

Wow. It's late. I mentioned I like coffee right?